This is the temtimony of Edward Daniel Raban, that I am a new man created alone by God above, and that I am happy, determined, and proud of who I am. I am good inside despite what I have been led to believe by those who claim to be my family.
I am separated from all whom I love. I am alone in the world, not by choice, by what others did to me & what I had no other choice but to do on my own. What I did I did because I had to do it for the good of myself & for the good of others, & in so doing I destoyed everything that meant something to me. I did it for love, something no one understands. But I understand. I showed my great love by keeping others from the kind of pain I've lived with my whole life. And no one will understand that.
I bring pain to everyone in my life. That's what I've always done. That's who I am. And it happens because no one understands. I was made to blame myself, and I did blame myself. So I believe in a code, but I've never explained it to anyone because I seem to live in a world all my own. My code is my world, & I will be true to myself to the end, even if that means pain to others.
My code is based on love, & doing what's right, the antithis of this world. And I remain silent when it suits me.
My code is to be true to myself, & damn with the consequences. I've been pretending to be somebody else all my life. I've pretended to be someone to different people, to different friends, someone altogether different to my friends families, someone else to teachers, bosses, girls, coworkers, neighbors, you name it. I got more personalities than I got anything else. Of course they're pretty much the same variation on a theme, but the idea holds.
I've never really been myself, that guy in my head or my heart. And I'm saying no more because I reached the point where I was even pretending to myself. It just dawned on me one day when I was put into this precarious situation, forced to do something I didn't want to do, & I began scheming. Who should I be to this new person, I wondered. What do they expect me to be? How will they react, will they like me (even though I didn't want to be with this person)? So I'll say it: it was Rita. And you know she royally screwed me over. Man I never felt so stupid, so abused in my life. And mabey that was punishment in some way for trying to be somebody I wasn't. Alright, that had nothing to do with it. But this idea crystalized in my mind, just the concept. Here I was trying to be different again, & it dawned on me that I could be anyone I wanted to be in reality. And that blows my mind, even now.
You're trying to be what somebody expects you to be, who they think you are, what will make them like you, what will get what you want, what you thik you ought to be like. There's a hundred reasons to be somebody else, but what about me? What about who I am? And you know there's a conflict in that. I think I've instictively known that all my life. Because you know I was no good all my life. Never good enough for anybody. Never really deserving of friendship, or love. Who would ever love you? You don't want love because it's a game. It's a way to hurt you. It's that conflict inside.
I wanted to be what would make my family happy. I wanted them to love me like I loved them. But no matter what I did, no matter who I was they still didn't love me. They live in this destructive world, & they tried to destroy me. They did destroy me. Look what happened with dad. And I'll never see them again. Yeah, & I still have that conflict in my head. But I realize some things now. I realize that I got some worth, & that I can be good. I can be someone that people like, & I don't have to hate myself anymore.
Truly, I don't live in this world. I have nothing in common with it. But I have to live in it, & that's frustrating. The world doesn't work the way I want it to, & it's gonna go up against me.
I don't know how to explain this. My life was over. I knew it, everbody knew it. And I was going to spend the rest of my life in jail. It's like everything came to a head, everything came together in a minute. One minute of rage. One minute of love. Because no matter what there's always been something inside of me that understood the truth. And I never wanted to admit that truth, because they're you're family. There's still the whole love shit there. I never wanted any one bit, but I was born into it, & I was raised in it. And I can't get that love out of my head. I still have it, & I guess I always will. There's this dichotomy between those who are supposed to love you, & the terrible things they do to you, the evidence of which you'll have for the rest of your life. I bear these scars, physical & emotional. And I can see it happening right now, it never goes away. It was like my head was empty, like going through the motions. Instinct rather than thought.
So there's this stigma attached to what I did. And rightfully so. I'll never live it down. The conflict will never go away. I know it. Love & hate at the same time, yet unknowing. Something that tells me how bad I am, every proof that I was taught right there. It's like a mirror of the internal conflict. The fabric of your being. The definition of who you are. That's what I'll always be. Always.
I hurt inside even now, despite my transformation. Here I have this new life, but the old one still lives on, & I have to deal with the consequences of what happened then. It hurts to know that I am what I am now, & that she doesn't know it. Even the fact that she had to live through who I was. She's never known me as someone whole, or at least on his way to being whole & right in my mind & emotions. She never saw the real me behind the mask of misery. All she knew was the wounded little boy I was. But even so, I think she knew something of what was behind the bandages that love has a way of unraveling.
She still lives on in the center of my heart, as I know I do in hers. I am her Cardenio & she my Luscinda, & just as they lived mad lives apart, so do we, & as they were at last reunited in love, so to will we. I roam these mountains in madness while she lives in her convent wailing the loss of her beloved 'till fate brings us back together.
I know that I have to find her. That's what love tells me, the love that she taught me. And even if she hates me now I know that I did the right thing. But I did do wrong, even as I did right. I deluded myself into thinking that I had protected her from all that pain when I knew that I hadn't, & that I had casused it all. I deluded myself into believing that she was right around the corner, she was still right there for me. But she wasn't there because I had destroyed her, too. That's the thing that I never wanted to admit. I wanted to shield myself from the pain that I'd caused, as though it didn't affect her. I didn't want to believe it. By protecting her from the pain of what I did I brought that pain closer to her. The one I love. And by isolating myself, more delusion, I left her powerless & alone, & unable to help & support me, as I know she wanted. I abandoned her. I kept myself hidden away, refused to see her, because I didn't want to hurt her, even though by doing so I was.
I gave up my life to protect her, & in doing so I ruined her. And more than that, I deceived her while we were together, because I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want her to feel my pain. And I knew she knew it. I didn't want to think those things, or live them again by telling her. All I wanted was for us to be happy. I didn't want her to see the hate in my life. Even though she knew about 9-11, & as bad as that was, the other stuff was worse. The other stuff is the black of my life.
And I didn't trust her enough, or value her strength as I should have done because if I had then I would've known that she was stroing enough to overcome what I'd done, not to condemn me or think the worst about me. All those years she's known me better than anyone ever has. She understands me better, she believees in me, & despite all that I let her go as if she were nothing. Of course I known my own reasons, & none of them were in consideration of any of that.
I wanted to protect her from the pain of what I'd done & what associations come from that. I didn't think I had any future left, that I wouldn't be able to get a job, & so I wouldn't be able to provide for her. I was afraid of how I'd be seen by my friends, the people I know, & of course her own family. They would all hate me & have nothing to do with me. I would be alone in the world, empty, & forced to live with what I did. And what kind of world would that be for her? I was a total failure, & I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I thought she might hate me too, because what I bring on myself I also bring on to her. And how could I live with that?
I couldn't run away from myself after what happened, although I tried. I wanted to hide away from the world & grieve & feel sorry for myself. I wanted to blame the world for what I did, what happened to me, blame what everybody's done to me all my life, blame God himself. Truly the Lord giveth & the Lord taketh away. And I wondered why he didn't take me as he took everything else. I wanted to die once again, & through it all I was trapped in a world that I created without even knowing it. That's the way it's been my whole life. And I'd rather have died than live in it. And there I returned to where I was on 9-11, wanting to die again, when I was saved by my beloved. And here now I recognize that it wasn't only her who saved me, but the Lord acting though her. And here I've felt abandoned all this time, even by God, who loves me so much that he sent Alina to me at the darkest hour when I surely would've died. My salvation has been his love for me, which I didn't recognize at the time. And I took that love & let it go because I didn't feel worthy of it, which was manifest in the hate I had for myself.
I've been punished all my life, & so punished myself in turn. Made it worse than it ever was.
And then one day I found a job & went to work. And it's a funny thing what work does to you. Work has been like the only normal thing I've had throughout my life. It's given me the only normalcy I've ever had & felt & recognized. It's given me confidence & purpose & determination. It's built something up inside of me & made me into something I feel proud about. It's given me an outlet for the desire I have & allowed me to rise up & prove my worth to the world & to myself. And one thing becomes another, & another, until I find myself as I am now.
What would my life have been without my Lina? What without her kindness, her gentleness, her support, her strength, her love, her giggles, her squeals, her calmness, her warmth, her friendship, her family, her heart, her softness, her weaknesses.
I want my life to be right, & I'm gonna make it right.
i'm going to start being a man
I'm goibg to stop feeling sorry for myself
I'm going to tell the truth
I'm going to be honest with myself
I'm going to be firm
I'm going to be happy
If I'm angry then I'm angry, & if I'm sad then I'll be sad
I'm going to be more open, more friendly
I'm going to build up my faith
I'm not goin to hate myself
I'm going to right the wrongs in my life
And I'm going to get back the girl I love
I vow that from this day forward I will not stop searching for my love Alina, no matter how long it takes, no matter what obstacles, no matter where she may be. All my energy & thought will be directed toward this one goal. I will never give up, never get discouraged, never lose sight of the place she has in my heart, & I will find her & maker her a part of me forever.
Post a Comment