It's easy to underestimate people. Easy to lose sight of the bonds you've created in your life. You lose touch with the people you know & value. Even the people you love. And after some time it's like they never existed, & yet somehow they live in your heart until one day they come back into your life & it seems like they never went away, like time didn't exist, or flew by, & you find that nothing changed since you were last together.
I spent all weekend going through everything I have to find some clues about where she might be. I went to see Francene, her old roommate, who's not there anymore. That was a big disappointment because she was my best hope. I was so dejected that I wandered around 50th Street for over an hour trying to get it out of me. All the trouble she's caused me over the years, & now she's gone, & still causes me trouble.
I don't know why she never liked me, especially from the begining when I really tried to like her. Sometimes I'd ask her to come along with me & Lina because she could never get a guy, although I never told anybody, even though it was true. And I'll tell you what I always knew, that she was jealous of Lina & me. She was jealous that we were in love, & she wasn't. Mabey even jealous of Lina. I know that's true. And I know that she had some kind of sadness in her. I don't know what it was, but I know she had it. And I know she said bad things about me behind my back. They lived together all those years. I imagine she gave Lina a relentless barrage against me. Who knows all the things she's said behind my back, & even with everything, Lina never told me whatever Francene said about me. There's so much hate in the world.
I went through the boxes of stuff Lina left behind in my old apartment. Mostly clothes. Mostly useless stuff, but memories. There's memories in useless stuff, each one a link to my love. If I were a bloodhound I could sniff her clothes & then go out & track her down. The boxes keep her smell in, & I think about how hard those early years were, how hard it was to trust her, how hard it was to tell her things, but only up to a point, leaving out details, leaving out the what's & why's. To her all there was to me was escaping the explosion, & City Hall & the Brooklyn Brodge, just a little slice of life, & that's all I would let her know about, at least at first.
So I sat on my chair thinking about those early years, & how I wish I could live them again as I am now, & how I wish I could hug her as I did before we fell in love. Innocently. And I think now that she must've loved me from the very begining, when I took her hand as I sat there trying to die at the fence around City Hall.
I dig through my life, or her life, until I find what I was looking for, her other pocketbook. Not her regular pocketbook, the other one that she sometimes used. So I emptied everything out of it on to my desk. But first I had to clean off my desk. I don't know why I let it get to that state. And I go through every scrap of paper, every compartment, every slot & slit & inner pocket. And I took everything, & the thing that I was looking for, the little phone book that I knew was in there, which I found before I moved. I look at every name, every address & phone number, wrote it down on a piece of paper. Some of them I knew, most of them I don't. And I go through this list, looking up names & calling phone numbers, even those without a name to whom it belongs, starting with the ones I know.
I got through to Patricia from the neighborhood the first time I called. She remembered me when I told her who I was, & I got all excited. I"m like oh man! I tell her I'm looking for Alina, which is not what I call her. She never liked anybody to call her Lina because it's a common name, & she's not common. That's what she said. Anyway, she says no, she hasn't seen her in a couple of years. So I give her my phone number & tell her that if she hears from her to call me. She says sure, but how come you don't know? I got angry. I made sure she didn't know it. And I guess I'll get that. I can't go into this long explanation with everybody I called. I scrambled to come up with "we sort of broke up," which is a lie, & I don't want to lie anymore.
On Sarah, her old friend from Astoria, I got "the number you have dialed is not in service. Check the number & dial again." Dan the guy from work didn't answer. I called back again in an hour, still no answer. Then I called again before I left to go out. Still no answer. And the more I called the more I realized that this is an old phone book. What good will it do me? But I called every number & got nothing for it. Then I pretty much wasted the rest of the day looking her up on the internet.
Yesterday I took a long lunch. It was cold in the morning, but by One it was warm, & I didn't have to wear my jacket. I take the 1 train down to 28th Street & go to her old job. I felt like a moron doing that, but I had to do it. And I didn't recognize anyone there. No Dan. I'm not even sure I'd recognize him if I saw him. So I walk in to this office & ask for the manager. And I don't recognize the guy, & I felt like a moron in there asking about Lina. So I put on the charm & tell him she worked there, & can't he just look it up for me? He says no. And I'm looking around hoping I see someone I recognize, but I don't. So I go, come on, buddy, do me a favor. Just look it up & I'll get out of here. He says no, & that I better get out. And I'm killing myself because he won't help me. So I leave.
So what I need is I need plans. I need cover stories & stuff I can say to people when I ask about Lina. I've got to think about this stuff before I go up to Connecticut because I've got to know what I'm doing. I got to know what I'm gonna say, & have these prethought out thoughts so that when people ask me or refuse me I can have something already thought out to say. Being confident is being prepared, & knowing that you can do something. It's courage. It's being firm with people & getting them to help you.
I still have this boy inside of me, so I still have something about me that says, "here's a boy," & I've got to get rid of that. Mabey change my hair style or make my voice deeper. How stupid. What I need is my work attitude all the time. I don't let anybody give me problems at work. Even the old men I work with. See? Normally I would've cursed there, but I didn't. Seriously though, I need to work on my confidence.
I'm going to see Lina's parents tomarrow night. I called Ma up after I got home from work today, & she said that I could come over & have dinner with them. I'm happy & nervous at the same time. So work on that confidence, okay?
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