Friday, 31 October 2008

• Good Faith Bad Faith

  I called Ma up the other day & we had this nice talk. It was almost like a way we never had talked before. It was so open & loving, & I felt sad when it was over because I wished that we had talked like that before, or more often, or longer, even though I felt like I told her too much. It's like you think you know somebody, & then they tell you all this stuff, & it amazes you because they never said anything like that before. Like a new world opening up to you, or a depth that you didn't know was there. Like you had a friend, & one day you found out he was a cop, or a genius. Or anything fundamental that you didn't know. Not that she told me something about herself that I didn't know already, but I was amazed that she understood so much about me. Obdviously Lina told her a lot of stuff, but that's not what I mean either. I just don't want to go in to it right now.
  
  So I went over there after work. I wanted to go home first, but I didn't want to waste time or get there late. And I was so nervous on the way over there. I'm thinking on the train what I wanted to tell them in a mad rush. But you got to hold yourself back & temper it or else you won't get everything out that you want to say. And being nervous didn't help. So then I got to Astoria, & I got off the train & I was afraid to go to their house, so I stayed there at the station thinking & trying to calm myself down. I don't know how long I stayed there. Probably too long, but not as long as it felt. And even though I still wasn't ready I started walking over there, real slow. Sweating. Profusely.
  
  You build these connections in life, & sometimes they get broken. And sometimes nothing can break them. You underestimate people because the world is not what it is in your head. And there's people out there that are so much greater than you are. Some people hold those connections more tightly than you do. And you fear the worst while others hold the best. People understand those conections where you don't. They see the world the way it really is, or the way they make it.
  
  It was supposed to be simple. I was going to stick to the plan of what I was going to say, & I lost it. It didn't go the way it was supposed to go at all. And mabey that's a good thing, because I feel good about how it went, & yet disappointed with the result.
  
  I knock on the door. We always went right in, but I couldn't do that since I was alone. And the next thing you know everybody's so happy to see me, while I was dreading the whole thing. Everything hinged on what happened, on what I said & how they reacted. For all I knew they were going to yell at me & blame me for everything. But then Ma wouldn't have been the way she was on the phone. She wouldn't have said it was okay to go over there.
  
  So once things get back to normal, if you could call it normal, we sat down in the living room, & started the how are you's. How are you? Fine, and you? Fine. Good, great, wonderful. And I was back to being a bundle of nerves in no time at all.
  
  Everything is the same in their house. I sat on the chair I always sat in. I never saw any one them ever sit in that chair, so that makes it my chair. Right? They gave an odd house, & they keep it that way. Funny smell that I haven't smelled in a while. Two walls have these big tapestries. One scene is of the country, mountains & trees, & the more you look at it the more little stuff you see in there. The other one is an old village, people everywhere. It looks like something out of old Europe. No doubt it's Hungary, or supposed to be. I like the one with the mountains better. So we sat there talking about nothing, & I felt bad because obdviously I was there for a reason, to tell them something, & I wasn't doing that because I was still nervous.
  
  I didn't really start to talk much until we started eating dinner. It was a big production, & it was all for me. Everything was for me & my benefit. Eddie's here! All that food, & you know I still can't eat much. But once we started eating I started telling them about my "new" job, which isn't really new anymore, & where I work & what I do, & once I got to that I started getting more comfortable, & it just came out of my mouth. I wasn't even supposed to talk about my job. It wasn't in my plans, even though I like to to talk about work. I had the whole routine planned out. What I was going to say, how I was going to say it. What I wanted to stress, what I wanted to ask them, what I wanted from them. It was supposed to be short & sweet. Honest & direct. And then everything went kablooey in my head.
  
  So in the middle of that something got me on my old job. I don't know how it happened. It was like as I thought about it perfectly trained me for what I do now. I'm an accountant. And I told them about everything I was doing, & what I could do. And it just led me into how I had made senior accountant & everything leading up to what happened to me. And I didn't want to explain what happened, but it seemed right. To tell them everything.
  
  I told them about mom & dad & sophie, & about how I grew up & lived. What kind of home we had. dad's drinking. The beatings. The belt. I told them about when I ran away from home, & about who I became inside. How I've always been broken & hurt & filled with pain, & self hatred. The depression. And you know I told them about Lina & who she is to me because of what we went through together. About how it wasn't supposed to be us falling in love, & how it wasn't for so long, & about what it did to me. What it made me in to.
  
  I wasn't even thinking. It just spurted out of my mouth. I told them about what kind of person she is. I don't know whether they knew it or not. Because you know your parents don't even know the real you unless you let them know. I told them about how strong she is inside. I know they didn't know that. I told them about what she did for me after 9-11, & how that means everything to me. No matter what she told them she could only tell them from her perspective, not from mine. I told them about all those years, & how everything was different after them.
  
  I remember when I lived at their house for a couple of months after Lina brought me there. They didn't hate me, but I know they didn't want me there. I know they didn't understand anything about me. And mabey they suspected the worst. So I told them how I feel about her & how I treated her, & what kind of a relationship we had. I told them about how we went to church, & sort of renewed her faith. I went through all of it. And that's when I told them what really happened between me & dad. No bias, just the truth, & all of it. What really happened, & what mom & sophie tried to do to me. What happened in jail & why I did what I did. Why I decided that Lina & I shouldn't be together anymore, how I decided that & why I thought that. Everything came out of me like a volcano. I wasn't even thinking about what I was going to say. It just poured out of me, this lava that came out of my mouth. I couldn't have stopped myself if I had wanted. And I'm glad it happened that way, because if I had tried to say all that stuff, the way I said it, I wouldn't have been able to say ut the same way, with the same passion.
  
  I tell you no one has ever understood why I broke everything off with Lina. And I know I never really wanted to tell anybody. Yet I was able to get everything out of my head, all my feelings & reasons & everything. They just sat there listening while I half cried through it. Because I hate thinking about myself the way I was then. I start hating myself again. Hating everything that happened. You know I screwed up in many ways. I gave her everything I could, & I know I was held back from giving everything I should've given. But I couldn't because I was broken, I wasn't who I am now. As a matter of fact I probably couldn't give everything now. I know I'm not ready yet. I'm still this new guy, still discovering things about myself, what I want to be, still overcoming the past, still understanding why I am the way I am. And I want to work on that. I want to make myself as I right as I can get. And I explained all that to them. The whole transformation, how it came about, & what I want to be in my new life.
  
  Once I got through all that stuff, & it flew by, yet still took forever because I had to get everything out. Every thought, every feeling, every reason, every explanation. And let's face it, I can be long winded. I never told anybody that much stuff about myself before. And looking back on it, it was easy, even though it was hard, & hurt to do it.
  
  I told them everything about my life, & why I was that. Everything about who I was & what I went through. All the feelings & all the pain. The lies I told to cover everything up. All my faults, all that stuff built up inside of me. I told them about me & dad, Even about the time he put me in the hospital, & how I covered it up & lied for him, & even why I lied.
  
  I told them what happened on 9-11, & what I tried to do, & who I was when I lived with them during that time. I told them about how they ought to be proud of their daughter for what she did for me. For the strength she has inside. For the purity she has. How she gave everything of herself for me, & for the love she has inside. Not even the love for me, but for the love she has for everybody, for the spirit she has inside. For the innocence, the acceptance & understanding. For the way she helps everybody. I'm nothing compared to her. Really. And you know a parent doesn't know their children like everybody else does. They know this fifteen year old girl, & I know this ninteen or twenty year old woman. They don't know her like I know her. They don't see how she is when she's away from them. They don't see how she gives of herself. You know these kids in the neighborhood, & how they act one way when they're with their parents & another way when they're away from them. And they're alwways shocked when they find out. They say not my little Johnny. He'd NEVER do something like that. Because they don't really know their little Johnny. I've always been like that with my parents. Not that I was doing all these terrible things when they weren't around. They never knew me for who I was inside. They never knew what I had in my head. Not that they cared, but that's not the point. They probably thought that I was a little them. What they thought I was or what I'd become. False expectations. And I don't suppose they'll ever know.
  
  So I'm going through all this & I get to the point where I think it's not going right. And I'm agonizing because I'm pouring out the truth to them while they're lying to me about how they don't know where she is. Stop lying to me. Stop the games. I wonder if they're doing this on purpose or if they're playing a game with me. Mabey even set up by Lina. I don't know, but I know something's not right. And I love these people. I love them so much, & they're lying to my face. Because I know these people. I know them as a family, & what kind of family they have or are. And people like that don't not know where their daughter is. That's a load of bullshit. Mabey they want me to go through the agony. Like I got to prove myself to them, or to Lina. Like my feelings aren't genuine. But they're not crying, they're not all upset that their daughter is missing, & they haven't seen her in two years. That's a fucking lie. I ask them this stuff & they tell me that she had a friend who moved to Connecticut. And what am I supposed to believe? That they haven't gone up there looking for her, or calling around, or calling the cops, or whatever? I know they don't think I'm stupid, I know they care about me, but why make me go through this? Was I not honest enough or complete enough, or mad or sad enough for them? Didn't I put on a good enough show for them? Didn't I cry enough tears? And in some way I feel like I wasted my time going to them. And I know they love me. Like they're trying to teach me a lesson or something. Is that what I have to go through? I got to do pennance, as the catholics say? I got to wait for them to pray me out of pergatory? I didn't even expect them to tell me where she is. They could just say that she ain't ready, or even that she or they want to punish me first. They could tell me the town where she is. They could tell me that she don't ever want to see me again, if that's the case. But why lie to me? I never lied to those people. I always treated them like they were my real parents, & I loved them. And you know they could've offered me some help in some way. They could've steered me in the right direction, or given me some clue. Give me a good faith gesture, a wink even, to show that they were only doing what Lina wanted. But they gave me nothing. And I'll go on loving them no matter how much they obstruct me.
  
  

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